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by natashalieromanov



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Don't Ask Don't Tell, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 19:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14858741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natashalieromanov/pseuds/natashalieromanov
Summary: James Rhodes knew at fourteen that he was gay, and he was fine with it.If only the military were fine with it, too.





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It’s 1992, and Airman Chris Cromwell is formally discharged from the Air Force for being “mentally incompatible with military service.”

“ _They can suck my cock,”_ Chris, face red with rage and humiliation, says the last time Jim sees him. “ _Maybe they’ll fuckin’ relax.”_

Scott Heigel, Chris’ “cousin from Boston”, was Chris’ boyfriend. They had been discovered kissing, word had gotten back to Chris’ superiors, and an investigation had begun. 

And now Chris was being kicked out.

That night, long after Chris has been escorted off base by military police, Jim struggles to fall asleep, heart hammering in his chest.

_They won’t find out, they won’t find out, they won’t find out. You won’t make the same mistake as Chris, and they won’t find out._

**

He’s fourteen when he figures out that he likes boys.

Girls don’t interest him, and that’s okay. He doesn’t tell anyone. He’s not ashamed or anything. He’s heard the words used to describe gay men before.

_Fag. Fairy. Fucking queer._

…but he knows that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. He’s not dirty, and there’s nothing he needs to change about himself.

He just doesn’t tell anyone because  _it’s none of their business_.

**

There is one issue.

Jim dreams of being an Air Force pilot. Of flying.

They won’t let him fly if they find out.

Jim puts that on the back burner. No use stressing over something that isn’t even happening yet.

**

It’s 1988, and Jim’s in love with Tony Stark.

He’s fucked. 

**

Tony is in love with him too.

In the privacy of their dorm, Rhodey threads his fingers through Tony’s curls and kisses Tony softly. These moments with him are so infinitely precious these days.

It’s almost 1989. Rhodey graduates in May, and a few weeks later, he leaves for the Air Force. He and Tony will have to hide. Tony understands, but Rhodey knows it also hurts him. 

But Rhodey can’t fly if he’s openly gay.

And so, in June of 1989, they begin to hide.

**

Tony’s parents die on December 16, 1991. 

Jim has to grovel for leave time. But they let him go.

Fourteen hours later, Rhodey crawls into bed with a sobbing Tony and holds him close. He doesn’t care about the tears or snot staining his shirt. All that matters right now is Tony.

The Air Force be damned.

**

It’s 1993, and Rhodey is stricter about hiding than ever before.

He and Tony don’t even touch each other out in public. They avoid fancy restaurants just to be safe. No extravagant gifts, no anniversary getaways. Every public interaction they have has to be calculated. 

Rhodey hates it, and he hates that it has to be this way. Hates not being able to talk about Tony as his partner with his friends, hates the stress lying brings, hates feeling like a liar and a fraud.

But he also hates what it does to Tony.

Tony, who, for as long as Rhodey has known him, has only wanted someone to love him. 

Tony deserves to be shown off and visibly loved, and Rhodey loathes himself for not being able to give that to him.

**

It goes on like this for years. In 1996, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is put into effect.

The military can no longer outright ask about sexual orientation…unless recruits and servicemen are caught “engaging in homosexual acts.”

Rhodey sighs and resigns himself to his fate.

He’s used to hiding by now.

**

Hiding is difficult. 

It’s like carrying cinder blocks on his back. It is heavy and oppressive, and Jim sometimes can’t breathe. He will suffocate under the stress, and the worry, and the constant ache that comes with being a liar and a fraud.

Because that’s all he is, isn’t he? He picks and chooses which parts of himself to show to his friends, his subordinates, his commanding officers. They think they know him, but how could they when he has to hide?

He’s gay, and he’s not ashamed, but none of that matters.

So long as the military finds people like him disgusting, he’ll have to hide.

Jim dreamed of flying, and he knew that this would be the price.

But he’s grown weary.

**

“You’re not disgusting, darling,” Tony whispers to him in the privacy of the Malibu mansion. “And you’re not a liar or a fraud. You’re doing what you need to do to survive. There’s no shame in that. Just you wait, though. Things are already changing. People like you and me? Are gonna change  _everything_.”

**

It’s 2008, and he’s finally found Tony.

He makes a dumb joke, wraps Tony in his arms, and wants nothing more than to kiss him senseless.

Three months of searching, begging and pleading for more time and resources, three months of worry and anxiety and terror and aching, gaping sadness.

But Rhodey was right.

Tony’s alive. 

Tony’s alive, and Rhodey can’t kiss him, but for once, it’s okay.

Feeling Tony’s heartbeat is more than enough right now.

** 

It’s 2010, and Rhodey cries as Tony reassures him that he isn’t dying, that he’s okay now, that he’s staying right here with him.

**

In 2011, something changes.

DADT has been repealed at last.

The military can’t discharge him for being gay anymore.  

Rhodey has waited so long for this moment. His heart thrums, but instead of anxiety, he feels excitement. 

He won’t have to hide anymore. He won’t have to pick and choose which parts of himself to reveal to others. He won’t have to constantly worry about his COs finding out and discharging him.

He’ll get to hold Tony’s hand, and kiss him, and go on nice dates with him.

He can be visible. 

**

It’s October 2011, and he still worries about holding Tony’s hand in public. 

Some of Rhodey’s excitement fades.

He had hoped old fears and habits would just…fade.

But he can’t even have this. Not fully. Not yet, anyway.

“We’ll get there, sugar,” Tony says, and Rhodey hopes it’s true.

He’s waited too long for this to be afraid now. 

**

It starts off small.

It starts with Rhodey linking their ankles together under the table. Then to holding his hand. Putting his arm around Tony’s waist.

When Rhodey initiates their first public kiss, they’re walking in Central Park.

His heart still pounds anxiously, but it’s been getting better lately. He’s determined, and Tony’s patient.

When they pull away from each other, Tony beams at him. 

If his eyes are slightly watery, well, only Rhodey has to know.

**

It’s December 2011. Rhodey brings Tony to the squadron Christmas party, holds his hand, and introduces him as his partner for the first time.

His squadron is accepting, and Rhodey relaxes. 

Maybe being visible isn’t so bad.

**

In October 2015, Tony and Rhodey marry.

Tony smiles softly at him, and Rhodey brushes their foreheads together.

At last, he is calm. 


End file.
